xjwsforChrist

PSACRAMENTO SAID

I'll start:

Taoism - Shit happens.
Buddhism - If shit happens, it’s not really shit.
Islam - If shit happens, it’s the will of Allah.
Protestantism - Shit happens because you don’t work hard enough.
Judaism - Why does this shit always happen to us?
Hinduism - This shit happened before.
Catholicism - Shit happens because you’re bad.
Hare Krishna - Shit happens rama rama.
T.V. Evangelism - Send more shit.
Atheism - No shit.
Jehova’s Witness - Knock knock, shit happens.
Hedonism - There’s nothing like a good shit happening.
Christian Science - Shit happens in your mind.
Agnosticism - Maybe shit happens, maybe it doesn’t.
Rastafarianism - Let’s smoke this shit.
Existentialism - What is shit anyway?
Stoicism - This shit doesn’t bother me.

MEDEWTYSENU SAID

A man dies and goes to heaven. he meet Peter at the gates and say "Wow this is a really nice place I wish there was someone to show me around." Peter says "Well I'm not busy right now so I can do it."
So Peter takes the man all around, showing him the streets of gold, the various places to socialize, etc. Eventually they come to a long line of doors and Peter says "These doors lead to bigger rooms that contain the various religious denominations of the world." So they go around peeking in doors of the Protestants, Catholics, Episcopalians, Muslims, various Pagans etc. Eventually they come to the end and Peter say "well that's all of em." The man says "Wait a sec I see one door off in the distance all by itself, who's behind that one?"
Peter gives a weary sigh and say "Okay, fine, follow me." So they walk to the other door and peek in and see a whole lot of people just walking aimlessly about. Peter quietly shuts the door and tiptoes away (motioning for the man to follow). When off a a safe distance the man asks "Why are we being so quiet and who are those people?"

Peter responds "Those are Jehovah's Witnesses and they THINK they're the only ones up here....."
_________________
"Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter"--Dr. Seuss

MEDEWTYSENU SAID

A way to keep JW's away from your door. This will take a bit of planning and three items.

First get a bit of white chalk (the type used to mark on chalkboards), any issue of the latest magazines and some Police tape crime scene tape) the yellow type that says Crime scene "Do Not Cross."

Have someone lay on the ground near your front door and make a chalk outline of their body (it helps to put an old service bag next to the outline).

Put the Police tape around the area, tacking it to a tree or taping it to the house. Then spreads the magazines about.

Get some popcorn and sit back and watch the fun.
_________________
"Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter"--Dr. Seuss

PSACRAMENTO SAID

Once I saw this guy on a bridge about to jump. I said, "Don't do it!" He said, "Nobody loves me." I said, "God loves you. Do you believe in God?"
He said, "Yes." I said, "Are you a Christian or a Jew?" He said, "A Christian." I said, "Me, too! Protestant or Catholic?" He said, "Protestant." I said, "Me, too! What franchise?" He said, "Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Baptist or Southern Baptist?" He said, "Northern Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist or Northern Liberal Baptist?"
He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist." I said, "Me, too! Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region, or Northern Conservative Baptist Eastern Region?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region." I said, "Me, too!"
Northern Conservative†Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1879, or Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912?" He said, "Northern Conservative Baptist Great Lakes Region Council of 1912." I said, "Die, heretic!" And I pushed him over.

PSACRAMENTO SAID

From Emo Philips



· When I was a kid, I used to pray every night for a new bike. Then I realised, the Lord doesn't work that way. So I just stole one and asked Him to forgive me ... and I got it!

· So I'm at the wailing wall, standing there like a moron, with my harpoon."

· A Mormon told me that they don't drink coffee. I said, "A cup of coffee every day gives you wonderful benefits." He said, "Like what?" I said, "Well, it keeps you from being Mormon ..."

· I'm not Catholic, but I gave up picking my belly button for lint.

· When I was a kid my dad would say, "Emo, do you believe in the Lord?" I'd say, "Yes!" He'd say, "Then stand up and shout Hallelujah!" So I would ... and I'd fall out of the roller coaster

AGUEST SAID

An Anglican priest, a Jewish rabbi, and Baptist minister... and their wives... were all on a plane when it crashed and they all died and went to heaven. When it came time to check in at the Pearly Gates, the priest and wife stepped forward to gain entry.

"Not so fast!", said Saint Peter. "You're a man who loves wine! So much so, you married a woman named Sherry! Off to Purgatory with you!"

Dejected, the priest grabbed his wife's hand and they were led away.

With a smug look on his face, the rabbi and his wife stepped forward to gain entry.

"Not so fast!", said Saint Peter. "You're a man who loves money! So much so, you married a woman named Penny! Off to Sheol with you!"

Dejected, the rabbi grabbed his wife's hand as they were led away.

Thinking they, too, would step forward, Saint Peter turned his attention to the Baptist minister and his wife, who were holding hands.

The minister turned to his wife and said, "Well, Fanny..." and let go of her hand.

Peace!

SA, on her own...

MEDEWTYSENU SAID

Princess Di and Mother Theresa

You know how Princess Diana and Mother Theresa died around about the same time? Well they both went up to heaven. St. Peter met them at the entrance to the pearly gates. He said "You both must show me something to prove your worth, going into heaven."
Mother Theresa went first. She walked up to St. Peter and lifted her habit and flashed her breasts at him.
He said "okay. Princess Di?"
Princess Di smiled and walked over into the corner, did a squat and pissed. St. Peter gave it careful consideration.
Finally he decided. "Princess Di. You're in. Sorry Mother Theresa, but a Royal Flush, beats a pair!!!"

The Sunday Sermon
I'm not saying that the sermon was boring, but...

"I hope you didn't take it personally, Reverend," an embarrassed woman said after a church service, "when my husband walked out during your sermon."

"I did find it rather disconcerting," the preacher replied.

"It's not a reflection on you, sir," insisted the church goer. "Arthur has been walking in his sleep ever since he was a child."


The Post Office
A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery store.

As he waited, he was approached by a man who asked, "Son, can you tell me where the post office is?"

The little boy replied, "Sure, just go straight down the street a couple of blocks and turn to your right."

The man thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town, and I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."

The little boy replied with a chuckle, "Awww, come on; you don't even know the way to the post office!"
_________________
"Those that matter don't mind and those that mind don't matter"--Dr. Seuss

JUSTMOM SAID

Posted: Fri Oct 05, 2012 4:51 pm Post subject:
LOLOL

Sooooo funny I've heard many, just can't think of em right now. Will try.

Thanks for the laugh
justmom

AGUEST SAID

An atheist, an agnostic, and a fundamentalist walk into a bar. One then says to the others,"We should duck next time." - Tweeted by Neil degrasse Tyson

Peace!

SA, who thought that was funny... on her own...

TEC SAID

AGuest wrote:
An atheist, an agnostic, and a fundamentalist walk into a bar. One then says to the others,"We should duck next time." - Tweeted by Neil degrasse Tyson

Peace!

SA, who thought that was funny... on her own...


lol... had to reread that a couple of times... slowly...

Peace,
tammy

A Higgs-Boson walks into a church, the priest says "We don't allow Higgs-Bosons in here!" The Higgs-Boson says "But without me how can you have mass?"

ROFL!!!!! ::D

I love it, GL!

Nice!

LOL... cute!


Peace,
tammy

This joke is in Spanish, but I'll try to translate it, but that does not always work with the jokes. Well, here it goes.

At one night a man was walking down a deserted street. Suddenly he notices that a dark shadow is following him. The frightened man, without realizing, enters a dead end. When the man turns realizes the shadow is nothing else that the vampire Dracula.

Nervous and shaking The man pulls out a crucifix and shows it to the vampire, but the vampire begins to laugh out loud and tells the man, "silly, I no longer fear the cross.I am studying with JW and I learned that Christ died on a stake not a cross. "When the vampire was preparing to bite him the man says: "Wait a minute. JW's can not eat blood." And the vampire says, "I have not yet studied that chapter" .