Quote:
just 3 months after her other one died
Just. Not a long time, luv (again, peace to you!). Which may be the underlying "root" of her current behavior. I don't want to sound cliche and say "Maybe she's bipolar," as some might. And she may well be, but that's not for me to say. I think we paste that label on too many folks' poor/indecisive behavior, though (funny, how it seems to be a malady of the western world, yes?), so I'd rather say that I absolutely do think she may be having SOME (if not a LOT of) post-traumatic stress syndrome and coping problems after and as a result OF the recent loss of her husband. That's shown in her "for it" today, "against it" tomorrow behavior. Sounds a lot like "I'm okay today"/"I'm in despair" tomorrow and so as if she doesn't know how (she's '
supposed') to feel/think/believe... right NOW... about
ANYTHING: a new man, breasts, mom... kids...
life.
That has
got to be crazy-making. And as a woman I KNOW that we sometimes take our "crazy" out on others, even those we love. Heck, I had at least two super-menopausal "incidents" (where I literally snapped at dear hubby! FORGIVE ME, luv!!) this past week that made me cringe at myself! Nothing over the top, just some short, snapping retorts, but still - not "me", at ALL. I was like, "Where did THAT come from??! Oh, Lordy, PLEASE forgive me!" (Note - FWIW, I think menopausal women should be given a blanket "we forgive you" by all of mankind until they are through this particular "hell" on earth - and given the "hot flashes", I do mean that literally - LOLOLOL! I digress.).
I can't imagine how I might be if I'd recently lost a loved one. AND... still had little ones to care for - YIKES! My dearest and closest cousin lost her almost 19-year-old son two years ago last October. She did NOT expect it... and hasn't handled it "well" at ALL. Per my aunt, her other son, her sister, and 2 nieces... she has been BRUTAL. She was even a bit testy with me. But... I know her. She was always a little bit on the "mean" side (even she would admit that), but when this happened... HOOO-WHHEEE! It was like trying to have a conversation with a cobra! I bobbed and weaved... but she struck out in every direction, stinging with every "bite"! LOLOL!
And so, I've done what dear 'Mom (peace, luv!) has suggested: backed off... and just loved her. Kept my opinions and "advice" to myself and only offered forgiveness (BEFORE she goes off on me). And has worked. She is very gentle with me now, even if not with the rest of the family (I'm actually only one of 2 cousins she even speaks with, right now). She doesn't WANT to alienate ANYONE (well, now wait, it is her, so...)... but she really just can't help it, right now. She is not just sad... but VERY angry. Especially at "God." But she doesn't WANT to be, know she SHOULDN'T be, but just can't help it - the pain is still too much. Perhaps one day we can have "that talk" and I can remind her about JAH not being responsible, but absolutely no way I can right now. So, I don't. I just keep asking HIM to help her and bear with her... and help me and others to bear with her... as she works through her pain.
There is a saying, dear Zoe: "Hurt people... hurt people." And I can't imagine that your daughter isn't hurting. For her loss and resulting current situation (including having to raise fatherless boys), but perhaps also her past (you now how it is: when something goes wrong, when you get hurt, ALL wrong/hurt that you EVER experienced seems to come pouring back into your mind and heart - human phenomenon).
My advice (and only if you want it): DON'T take it
personally. I know, I know... how can you not with the "things" she says? CHOOSE not to. Maybe trying to look at it as you would an injured pup will help: it doesn't WANT to hurt you, but it WILL if you try and touch it while it's in pain. Heck, it will bite your face off, if you get too close and it can (like Pup-Pup tried to do this morning when I woke her up from a warm and cushy deep sleep to take her out to pee - man oh man, was SHE pissed off! LOLOL!). It doesn't WANT to bite you... but the pain/discomfort/irritation/startle it is experiencing "MOVES" it to. It is REACTING to its pain/discomfort... not to YOU.
If, then, we will give an injured animal a gentler than usual touch, greater patience... and wider berth... when THEY are in pain/discomfort, how much more so our fellow humans...
especially loved ones... when THEY are in pain. Sure, the "bite" hurts, but we UNDERSTAND, don't we? Same here.
And so, as dear 'Mom said, let go. Then just let JAH. But let Him in FAITH... KNOWING that He will "heal" her in the amount of time SHE needs to do so. Some of us can heal quickly over tragedies like this. I am one of those. Not sure that's a good thing but it has served me over the course of my life. Others grieve for years. Some NEVER recover, at least not fully. We all heal differently, in different ways and at difference paces. It's okay to back off from your dear daughter - you don't
have to endure abuse. Just like you don't HAVE to keep sticking your hand in the mouth of an injured dog. Sometimes, you HAVE to retreat... to save your OWN life, if not the dog's.
But retreat knowing that at some point the dog WILL heal, at least enough for you to approach and pet it once again. Give it time. Look for signals ("wagging tail"), but don't necessarily be fooled, either. That dog might WANT you to pet it, might remember the wonderfulness of your touch... but it's pain might win out again and make it forget, in an instance. So... go slow. And talk quietly, soothingly, kindly, and lovingly. Always. Let it come to YOU... when IT is ready.
I hope that helps, dear sister.
Again, peace to you and to your dear household!
YSSFS of Christ,
Shel
Login
Register
FAQ
Search
