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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 8:51 am 
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Good Morning Voices
I hope you are feeling better today and that your education and goals are still ongoing.

I am in Canada so I know nothing about the education system in the USA but I just wanted to say that I don't think I have a disability with regard to learning, emotional or psychological (not sure what yours is) and there is no way I would pass those tests for Physics or Chemistry if I was given triple accommodations LOL. I am good at some subjects and got high scores on things like History, Geography, Literature, English etc. but when it came to anything to do with Math or figuring things out I was hopeless.

I would never have tackled a course that involved subjects that I was not good at so I admire you for this. I took a real estate course to become a Agent which was gruelling but I passed it thankfully but they warned us that if you didn't have grade 10 math skills you likely wouldn't pass the course. I Just had grade 10 math and that was all and it was a challenge because of that but I did it. No way I could have taken a course or gone for a career that involved math skills beyond my comprehension LOL even though my parents took me out of school after grade 10 because they wanted me to pioneer as a JW. But my brain just doesn't work with some things like math and I accept that and I think a lot of peoples brains don't work well in certain ways. So I am wondering is that considered a disability? I am rambling because now I am wondering if there is accommodations here in Canada because my grandson has ADD and a learning disability.

I am not sure what you are going to College to achieve but it must be something quite complicated to take so many years. So don't beat yourself up about it, you are very brave to go for such high goals if you have learning challenges and so I just will say keep up the good work and focus on achieving your goal and don't waste all your energy getting angry at the professors, they are what they are.
Hugs


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 12:09 pm 
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don't waste all your energy getting angry at the professors, they are what they are.


Aims thumb at dear Zoe (peace to you!): yeah, what SHE said... and said way bedda than I did - LOLOL!

Peace to you, both!

Shellamar... still on her own, here...


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 3:54 pm 
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Thank you Zoe,

I originally was going to be a music major back in 07 after my nursing courses. I got my certificate and moved on and kept going. Then I changed my major to Medicine, mainly because of the limitations I had as a nurse and wanted more of a secure future. Over a period of time, I struggled with a variety of different things in school. But this was by far the most difficult.

I have a test on monday for Gen Chem 2. I am not a 'smart cookie.' I don't have 'critical thinking abilities' as i've been told. I've had EEG's placed on my forehead and informed that I have a severe disability. Normal brain wave patterns are as follows:

Delta 1-3
Theta 4-6
Alpha 7-12
Beta 12-20

These are the normal, give or take a few percentages. ...My brain waves registered at 80 (i think that was just alpha alone) just on the occipital lobe itself, not the gamma or any other brainwaves, cause I don't remember. Everything, I mean everything, ....Everything is hyper aroused and over stimulated. And there are parts of the brain such as the amygdala (fear and anger) and anterior cingular gyrus (ability to go from thought to thought and 'let go') thalamus (depression and so forth) and prefrontal cortex (critical thinking and impulse control), that are just way out of control. My brain waves are all severely elevated. Which in simple terms means, there is so much activity in my brain that I can't process things as normally as others do. Infact, taking adderall actually, in my opinion brings me somewhat down (thats funny cause it's a stimulant), unless I take too much and then it goes out of control. Most of the time, it's like having a bee hive in my head and it wont 'shut off.' And thoughts that just jump in and out whenever they feel like it, create visual images and attach heavy emotions on it and don't let go. And god forbid if someone just 'speaks truth' without considering how heavily I'm influenced. I'll go months of unmerciful mental torment with my brain unable to 'let go.' And sometimes years. I don't sleep well. Bottom line is I cannot handle 'stress' very well. And to call it just 'stress' and 'we all have it' is utter BULLSHIT because i'm pretty sure average person doesn't exactly have such brain waves as their 'norm.' So i do things that 'make me happy' and found to be 'pleasureable' to shut my mind off, unfortunately, they're not 'wise' things to do. (though i'm doing better now, which just makes depression worse) Afterwards, it becomes worse. My brain is redlining on the RPM's of a car or motorcycle.

I also fell off a roof when I was 5 years old and hit my head on concrete from a two story building, blacked out, bled all over the place from the head, woke up in a hospital 2 months later. I required a blood transfusion, almost died and lost hearing on my left ear. I'm not sure if that, bleeding out from my head and blunt force caused damage to the prefrontal cortex (impulse control, critical thinking,) or temporal lobe (emotional region near the lymblic system). I never got a cat scan done because well, it's like 2500 bucks just for someone to say 'you have problems with learning and emotions don't you?' which i'm smart enough to figure out on my own. (thankfully). When the doctor put the electrodes on my head and turned the eeg machine on and looked at the monitor he was shocked and the first words that came out of his mouth were 'wow...'

I don't give a damn about people knowing about this. Some might sit and go 'why would you reveal that to other people.' Because I don't give a damn. If they're wondering that, they're not worth paying attention to.

I look pretty normal and am pretty quiet in real life, hiding everything inside because i'm usually running at 900 miles an hour in mybrain. But don't worry 'everyone's got their own problems.' Most of the time people that hear my 'problems' either think i'm 'crazy,' or not doing something 'right.' Bottom line is, people don't know shit about me, even when I tell them. Go drink until you're drunk (don't actually do this but for example sake) and 'change your mind' into a sober state immediately.

(yes it's a chemical substance, but so are all the dopamine/norepenephrine/serotonin and all that crap thats in my brain thats out of order, that's either firing, over firing, or under firing in various places that effect the brain cells at the same rate)

In a way, I don't know what truth is. To say it's christ is clear, yes, but at the same time when a thought enters my mind i know it's activating more of a certain part of the brain (the bee hive buzzing increases). That's how sometimes I hear Christ. I just hear it extremely clear and somehow know it's not me. If I think of something visual, my occipital lobe is more activated. Anger...lymbic system and amygdala etc.. This was something I felt the spirit gave me as an epiphany to me once.

As far as being a doctor. I do well when It comes to creating private practice, make my own schedule, have my own staff and clientelle. i don't necessarily need to be in the ER pulling codes. And Med school has 'accommodations' for disabilities, but well, that hasn't worked very well for me so far. So, Maybe i'll just go work in an office with a bachelors of science degree in biology and grow up, expect nothing from anyone and live my life. Is this what i'm suppose to do with my life and just be miserable? =/

Feel free to PM me because I will not be opening this post again. I have openly exposed myself to any 'firing' that may come and revealed my secrets to others, and I really don't feel like having to deal with their perception of what is happening to me or what I am doing or not doing.

Trauma (physical, blunt, or emotional) doesn't just 'go away.' People loose patience and don't realize that it physilogically changes the chemistry of the brain. the 'healing' slowly, very slowly, changes neurons building new pathways (among the trillions of neurons in the brain that are 'use to firing a certain way' ) , while decreasing regularly used pathways of thinking and reprogramming the brain to function better and regular. And even when someone gets to the point of 'recovery' ...they still have to initiate this new pathway of thinking each day. You still have to get up in the morning and force yourself to eat, if you have an eating disorder.

Think Abusive childhood (not my mom, she's the best), drunk abusive dad, Witnessing domestic violence, homelessness at age 10, and 16, invasive surgery at a young age (5), long-term separation from both parents at early age 4-5(attachment issues if you know anything about psychology) , re-traumatization in other relationships, Not having enough to eat as a child at times, Neglect, Abandonment issues. ...blah...blah whatever. That is NOT normal, and it is NOT everyone's issues and if someone has conquered that, good for them. I haven't yet. And all that is just what i'm WILLING to reveal. Not the really ...well nevermind. When my father died, ....I was happy. What kind of man do you think he was that his youngest son would jump for joy on the day of his death?

All the best.

Me
p.s. I have also done some EMDR, neurofeedback/biofeedback, DBT, meditation, music therapy, etc.. Feel free to look up any or all and research 'trauma response symptoms' ...cause everything listed above is well documented in research on trauma.


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 5:29 pm 
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I have openly exposed myself to any 'firing' that may come and revealed my secrets to others, and I really don't feel like having to deal with their perception of what is happening to me or what I am doing or not doing.


I do realize that a lot of people believe "Jesus"/Christ to be about comforting... and he is... but he is also about telling others the truth, even if they can't receive it, dear Voices (as always, peace to you!). You and I have had SEVERAL discussions... in person, on the phone, via PMs... and it could be that MY perception of you isn't what you want it to be, but I assure you, it's based on what you have shared with ME over the (many) years. Going forward, then, I think that rather than you not open this post again... or feel you can't share what you wish/need to without being "fired" upon... I myself will refrain. Now, we've tried that before, you and I... but it always seems that it comes around again and I am sought for "counsel". That may not have been what you intended here, and if not, I apologize for even responding, but that HAS been "our" history for quite some time. I apologize for not being Christ himself (although, he, too, grew tired of some's lack of faith and was very direct with them, as well)... but I have repeatedly assured you and all here that I am human and imperfect. And... as a servant to Israel, often [feel] "damned if I do; damned if I don't." Folks want to hear certain "truth" from me... but not ALL truth. Unfortunately, they don't see... or hear... ME... in that case. Which is fine; I wasn't promised a rose garden, but a "torture" pole, which I GLADLY took up and JOYFULLY carry.

You are frustrated because of a situation with your college professor. Totally get that. You and I have been communicating for years, though. YEARS. Longer than almost anyone else on this board. Even dear hubby. And this is not the first time you've expressed such frustration - now, it's just a different reason. And so MY response to you was based on what I "know" about you (although it sounds like you want to deny that, and that's okay - email, PMs, and phone calls may not be the best way to "know" a person). Based on what YOU have revealed to me over such years... and remember, you started doing so at a much younger age. I know you don't want to hear that... probably are PO'd that I am sharing that now... and may even leave the board [again] for a time because you're feel "hurt." But that's my point, dear one - I cannot say how many times you have felt "hurt," whether it was me or someone else you revealed to me... and so now here that is, again.

I am not a counselor, however. I can't "diagnose" your condition or its manifestations... or its effects on your test-taking. Even so, perhaps I am not as patient with you... or any... as you/some would like. I would venture, however, that I have been a lot more patient than most. Even so, I ask EVERY day... for MORE patience/long-suffering... while folks are "working out" their issues and angsts... as I try to keep my face toward the Master. In keeping my face toward him... and NOT YOU (which I perceive is a problem with some)... I have been able to share much of what I have been given, to your benefit, as wel as mine. I have also shared, more than once... that "it is NOT about you" in the hopes folks would "see" WHO and WHAT it IS "about" for ME... as well as what they should be "anxious" over (and it's truly nothing, with regard to ANYTHING in this world).

And I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to just leave... and just let folks share whatever they want, regardless of whether it's truth or not. And so, I am thinking this might be my last post save the Master himself tells me it is not. Otherwise, I am thinking that perhaps it's time for ME to go and deal with my OWN disabilities, wavering health, and other [mundane or daily]... and just follow my Lord wherever HE goes... on my own... without concerning myself with "others." Indeed, I finished my "assignment" ("feed my sheep") YEARS ago... but just couldn't let myself allow you dear folks to falter. And many were faltering. But I am thinking that now it's time I got completely out of the way. I have backed WAAAYYY off and have been doing so for years, now, and now... I'm just tired. Not tired of following Christ, but tired of trying to be "like" others want/need me to be for THEIR (tender) feelings and so they can "see" Christ "in" ME (which should have never been the case - all should have ALWAYS been looking at him).

But, I feel that I... just... can't... anymore. Truly. I don't think I can. At least, not for a bit. Because if I continue I will find myself in a situation similar to Moses - NOT one where I believe I am the "leader" of anyone (I certainly am NOT and do NOT believe that)... but allowing my own frustration to cost me MY life. If even Moses... Christ himself... can become impatient with "Israel," how much MORE could I? Since my own household is involved, I can't let that occur.

And so, please feel free to post on this thread and any other you wish to. I am going to seek a (much-needed) break. For awhile unless, again, my dear Lord directs me otherwise. Even then, I will probably share minimally. Because although I have been pouring out what has been given ME... for YEARS... a lot of what comes back is not about Christ himself but about personal things of which I really should refrain comment, indeed, keep separate from. Because, again, I am not a counselor. Indeed, there are others here who are much better at those kinds of things and so I leave it to them.

Peace to you, little brother, as I have always offered it... to you AND your dear wife... in the way Christ gives it. May he deal with your professors and everything else that has caused you "anxiety" in your life... to your benefit and comfort.

To you other dear ones on the board... peace to you and please do not think this has anything to do with anyone individually, including our dear brother, Voices. Israel is a tough "house," and it takes quite a bit of love... patience... and tenacity... to stay afloat when assigned to them. I do keep trying to share that when we make things about ourselves, we logically have to turn our gaze from Christ. My love for HIM, however, often makes me "feel" as our dear Lord did when the moneychangers were dealing in the temple: his said his zeal for JAH would consume him. I totally understand, as the one fear I do have is that MY zeal for HIM... will consume ME. I just don't know how to help some understand that if they would JUST look to/at HIM... ALL of their other "worries" would be handled. And quickly. Perhaps not as expected but certainly for the better.

I am tired, now, though... and that "fatigue" will only make manifestation of my "zeal" even hotter, sometimes. So, I am going to take a break, and for as long as my dear Lord allows. You have him, so you've nothing to worry about. Keep looking at and following him and you cannot fail. You CANNOT.

Peace... to you all... and to your dear, dear households!

Your servant, sister, and fellow slave of Christ,

Shel


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PostPosted: Fri Feb 17, 2017 6:04 pm 
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Oh Shelby, You give so much of yourself and it must be exhausting so I understand if you want to take a break but I for one will really really miss you and your heartfelt posts. I wish you wouldn't go just yet but I totally understand if you do ***SAD Face*** (the emotion thingys don't work for me here).


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PostPosted: Sun Feb 19, 2017 2:13 pm 
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Peace to you Voices, and to all,

Okay, let me just say that I understand how stressful schooling is, and I know a couple of nursing students. I work as a waitress and many of the other servers (even a cook or two) are working as servers to help put themselves through school. Good money, flexible hours. But the stress is crazy, even without a disability.


Zoe summed things up well in her post above, and anyone else who wishes to comment on the personal aspect or offer personal support, is of course welcome to do so. Absolutely.


You made a couple of comments that stood out to me though, with regard to faith, to Christ.

You said this:

Quote:
i'm going to be out of school with like only 5 years to really live.



Dear Voices, I do not understand this at all. I am struggling a little to know what to say. How can 'really living' be some 5 year window in between the time you finish school up until you a) die, or b) the Master returns?


Do we not have an eternity to live? Is that not what Christ has promised us? Eternal life? And if He is in us and we are in Him, then are we not already REALLY living? Because Christ - the LIFE - is in us?


I have come that they may have life, and have it to the full.




Living does not have an expiry date, not for anyone who is in Christ, not for anyone who is given eternal life. We just receive MORE life.


**

And I don't know if this is what you meant, dear brother, so please bear with me and feel free to take only what applies... but if really living is something that we have to squeeze in before Christ returns, then how are we going to truly look forward to His return? Wouldn't that cause you (or any of us) to hope on some level for a delay in His return - not out of mercy so that others can come to Him - but because there are things that we want to do first ... and/or... because we are happy with the way things are right now and do not want them to change?




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I've thought about suing. But then I remembered him 'giving me extra time last semester' even though he didn't have a letter. And it's not the first time i've been told ...well not 'told' but their body language, inflection of the voice, said 'you're stupid' ... So...i'm .....screwed. Mercy not sacrifice...etc...


No, dear Voices.

If you receive trouble/tribulation BECAUSE you obey our Lord, then you are BLESSED. Not screwed. Blessing comes with obeying (the Master). Not from the world, but from Him and Jah.

Serving the Master means carrying a cross and that is what He told us to expect in this world. We could resent that cross (though I don't personally know how we can resent the cross and NOT come to also resent, on some level, the One who told us to carry that cross if we want to follow Him). Or we can carry that cross with joy, because a) Christ loved us and carried His cross FOR us, b) we love Christ and have faith in Him, and c) because we know that HE has conquered the world and we know what we have to look forward TO.

In THIS world we have trouble, but He told us to TAKE HEART! He has conquered the world.





Peace to you and to your loved ones,
your servant and sister, and fellow slave of Christ,
tammy


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