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I have openly exposed myself to any 'firing' that may come and revealed my secrets to others, and I really don't feel like having to deal with their perception of what is happening to me or what I am doing or not doing.
I do realize that a lot of people believe "Jesus"/Christ to be about comforting... and he is... but he is also about telling others the truth, even if they can't receive it, dear Voices (as always, peace to you!). You and I have had SEVERAL discussions... in person, on the phone, via PMs... and it could be that MY perception of you isn't what you want it to be, but I assure you, it's based on what you have shared with ME over the (many) years. Going forward, then, I think that rather than you not open this post again... or feel you can't share what you wish/need to without being "fired" upon... I myself will refrain. Now, we've tried that before, you and I... but it always seems that it comes around again and I am sought for "counsel". That may not have been what you intended here, and if not, I apologize for even responding, but that HAS been "our" history for quite some time. I apologize for not being Christ himself (although, he, too, grew tired of some's lack of faith and was very direct with them, as well)... but I have repeatedly assured you and all here that I am human and imperfect. And... as a servant to Israel, often [feel] "damned if I do; damned if I don't." Folks want to hear
certain "truth" from me... but not ALL truth. Unfortunately, they don't see... or hear... ME... in that case. Which is fine; I wasn't promised a rose garden, but a "torture" pole, which I GLADLY took up and JOYFULLY carry.
You are frustrated because of a situation with your college professor. Totally get that. You and I have been communicating for years, though. YEARS. Longer than almost anyone else on this board. Even dear hubby. And this is not the first time you've expressed such frustration - now, it's just a different reason. And so MY response to you was based on what I "know" about you (although it sounds like you want to deny that, and that's okay - email, PMs, and phone calls may not be the best way to "know" a person). Based on what YOU have revealed to me over such years... and remember, you started doing so at a much younger age. I know you don't want to hear that... probably are PO'd that I am sharing that now... and may even leave the board [again] for a time because you're feel "hurt." But that's my point, dear one - I cannot say how many times you have felt "hurt," whether it was me or someone else you revealed to me... and so now here that is, again.
I am not a counselor, however. I can't "diagnose" your condition or its manifestations... or its effects on your test-taking. Even so, perhaps I am not as patient with you... or any... as you/some would like. I would venture, however, that I have been a lot more patient than most. Even so, I ask EVERY day... for MORE patience/long-suffering... while folks are "working out" their issues and angsts... as I try to keep my face toward the Master. In keeping my face toward him... and NOT YOU (which I perceive is a problem with some)... I have been able to share much of what I have been given, to your benefit, as wel as mine. I have also shared, more than once... that "it is NOT about you" in the hopes folks would "see" WHO and WHAT it IS "about" for ME... as well as what they
should be "anxious" over (and it's truly nothing, with regard to ANYTHING in
this world).
And I cannot tell you how many times I have thought to just leave... and just let folks share whatever they want, regardless of whether it's truth or not. And so, I am thinking this might be my last post save the Master himself tells me it is not. Otherwise, I am thinking that perhaps it's time for ME to go and deal with my OWN disabilities, wavering health, and other [mundane or daily]... and just follow my Lord wherever HE goes... on my own... without concerning myself with "others." Indeed, I finished my "assignment" ("feed my sheep") YEARS ago... but just couldn't let myself allow you dear folks to falter. And many were faltering. But I am thinking that now it's time I got completely out of the way. I have backed WAAAYYY off and have been doing so for years, now, and now... I'm just tired. Not tired of following Christ, but tired of trying to be "like" others want/need me to be for THEIR (tender) feelings and so they can "see" Christ "in" ME (which should have never been the case - all should have ALWAYS been looking at him).
But, I feel that I... just... can't... anymore. Truly. I don't think I can. At least, not for a bit. Because if I continue I will find myself in a situation similar to Moses - NOT one where I believe I am the "leader" of anyone (I certainly am NOT and do NOT believe that)... but allowing my own frustration to cost me MY life. If even Moses... Christ himself... can become impatient with "Israel," how much MORE could I? Since my own household is involved, I can't let that occur.
And so, please feel free to post on this thread and any other you wish to. I am going to seek a (much-needed) break. For awhile unless, again, my dear Lord directs me otherwise. Even then, I will probably share minimally. Because although I have been pouring out what has been given ME... for YEARS... a lot of what comes back is not about Christ himself but about personal things of which I really should refrain comment, indeed, keep separate from. Because, again, I am not a counselor. Indeed, there are others here who are much better at those kinds of things and so I leave it to them.
Peace to you, little brother, as I have always offered it... to you AND your dear wife... in the way Christ gives it. May he deal with your professors and everything else that has caused you "anxiety" in your life... to your benefit and comfort.
To you other dear ones on the board... peace to you and please do not think this has anything to do with anyone individually, including our dear brother, Voices. Israel is a tough "house," and it takes quite a bit of love... patience... and tenacity... to stay afloat when assigned to them. I do keep trying to share that when we make things about ourselves, we logically have to turn our gaze from Christ. My love for HIM, however, often makes me "feel" as our dear Lord did when the moneychangers were dealing in the temple: his said his zeal for JAH would consume him. I totally understand, as the one fear I do have is that MY zeal for HIM... will consume ME. I just don't know how to help some understand that if they would JUST look to/at HIM... ALL of their other "worries" would be handled. And quickly. Perhaps not as expected but certainly for the better.
I am tired, now, though... and that "fatigue" will only make manifestation of my "zeal" even hotter, sometimes. So, I am going to take a break, and for as long as my dear Lord allows. You have him, so you've nothing to worry about. Keep looking at and following him and you cannot fail. You CANNOT.
Peace... to you all... and to your dear, dear households!
Your servant, sister, and fellow slave of Christ,
Shel