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I have not experienced any feeling of spiritual enlightenment or holy spirit and certainly I have never felt I heard Christ speak to me or hear me...
I hope to hear if its usual to take so long to gain faith and love in Christ.
Greetings, dear Zoe, and peace to you, dear sister! I think you are confused. Partaking of Christ's flesh and blood (i.e., eating the bread and drinking the wine) does not, in and of itself, result in one experiencing a feeling of enlightenment, receiving holy spirit, or hearing the Master's voice. The Apostles first ate and drank the night before my dear Lord was put to death... but didn't receive holy spirit until after his resurrection. Many didn't until Pentecost... and some of those may not have partaken, yet. If eating and drinking were all it took, well, then, there's a whole lot of JWs who should have had SOMETHING occur... or at least have received holy spirit... yet none of them have.
You, though, dear sister, are kind of putting the cart before the horse. By eating and drinking, you are demonstrating your faith. Well, beginning to, which is what should be done ("He that is faithful in what is least is faithful in much"). But you have to examine your motive: are you eating and drinking because "we" told you to (which means you would NOT do it if "we" told you do)... and so are obeying US... or are you doing it because you love Christ and want to obey HIM?
Much of this has been confusing to you because you are listening to US... rather than listening to HIM. And EVERYTHING WE have shared, he ALREADY shared... with EVERYONE. And it's all recorded... somewhere. One does not have to read his words, however, but only listen to his voice. And you HAVE heard it - ALL have heard it. They just don't KNOW it... know HIM... so as to know his voice WHEN it speaks (to us).
I would exhort you, then, rather than waiting in anticipation of "something," some kind of manifestation on which you can THEN have faith... you exercise faith FIRST. It only takes an amount the size of a mustard seed and, again, you've demonstrated SOME faith by beginning to partake. Faith as well as courage. But, again, examine your motive.
Because if love of Christ is not your PRIMARY motive... it might take some while before you "receive" whatever it is you (believe) you need in order TO believe. TO have faith in... and so eventually love... Christ.
You might ask, "How can I love someone I don't KNOW?" I would say, you can't, not TRULY. You can have a FORM of love... for instance, with JAH and Christ, there is a "FORM of 'godly devotion'", but it's a false love and so its power is false.
You might, therefore, want to cultivate that LOVE... FIRST... AS you CONTINUE to build your FAITH (again, beginning with obeying, which you have already started, to your great credit). WHILE you build, you can ASK for MORE faith... as WELL as love... as both are "fruits" OF God's holy spirit. So that, the more you RECEIVE... the more you have to GIVE.
I hope that makes sense. I would also encourage you to consider the following account and my dear Lord's words recorded by
Luke (
7:36-50):
"One of the Pharisees kept asking [Jesus] to dine with him. So he entered the house of the Pharisee and reclined at the table. But look! a woman who was known in the city to be a sinner learned that he was dining in the house of the Pharisee, and she brought an alabaster jar of perfumed oil. Taking a position behind him at his feet, she wept and began to wet his feet with her tears, and she wiped them off with her hair. She also tenderly kissed his feet and poured the perfumed oil on them. Seeing this, the Pharisee who had invited him said to himself: “If this man were really a prophet, he would know who and what kind of woman it is who is touching him and that she is a sinner.” In reply Jesus said to him: “Simon, I have something to say to you.”
Simon responded, 'Teacher, say it!'
’Two men were in debt to a certain lender: one for 500 de'narʹi'i, the other for 50 de'narʹi'i. When neither of them had anything with which to pay him back, he freely forgave them both. Therefore, which one of them will love him more?’
In answer Simon said: ‘I suppose it is the one whom he forgave more.’
[Jesus] said to him: ‘You judged correctly.’
With that he turned to the woman and said to Simon: ‘Do you see this woman? I entered your house; you gave me no water for my feet. But this woman wet my feet with her tears and wiped them off with her hair. You gave me no kiss, but this woman, from the hour that I came in, did not stop tenderly kissing my feet. You did not pour oil on my head, but this woman poured perfumed oil on my feet. Because of this, I tell you, her sins, many though they are, are forgiven, because she loved much. But the one who is forgiven little, loves little.’
“[Jesus] then he said to the woman: ‘Your sins are forgiven.’
Those reclining at the table with him started talking among themselves, saying, ‘Who is this man that he can even forgives sins?’
But he said to the woman: ‘Your faith has saved you; go your way in peace.’”It was this woman's LOVE... for HIM... that resulted in her FAITH in him... SUCH love
and faith... that our dear Lord FORGAVE her sins... even though they were MANY...
right then and there.
She didn't have to wait!
I finally, I would encourage to obey the Master again and heed his words:
"KEEP asking, KEEP seeking... KEEP knocking; it WILL be opened to you."The operative words here are "keep"... and "will." They "operate" based on whether you BELIEVE the "will" part so as to obey the "keep" part. And if you find yourself running out of patience... ASK for some. Because patience/long-suffering is a "fruit" of God's holy spirit... and He will NOT withhold that spirit from anyone ASKING... in FAITH.
I hope that helps, truly, and as always, peace to you!
YSSFS of Christ,
Shel